"It’s all building towards something."

"Sooner or later, I’ll do something with myself and make my mark, but until then whatever I do is not a waste of time, it’s all building towards something."

Is it though? The way I see it, thinking like that is a way to comfort yourself, to let your mind rest on the cluster of facts and thoughts that you have every day that you still haven't done anything with yourself, even though 10 years ago you were constantly being told you could be anything, do anything, live the life you wanted providing you worked for it. What a shame it is that at that point I had no idea what I wanted to do in my life and barely knew what I wanted to do the next day, let alone a few years down the line which ultimately was supposed to be so decisive that you were planning out your entire life with genuine happiness.

If only I understood that your wants change constantly as you age, that you lose people and pull away from people that you once cared, or still care for. How could I be so naive and childish to ignore the idea that while you grow up your brain is what drives you, and it seems to me like what holds me back. I'm not scared of failing, in anything I try, whatever the risk it's probably worth a go once at least, right? While I have that mind state, the world terrifies me, my own mind worries me, I don't enjoy doing things I used to do, and that's change that I can't anticipate so it bothers me.

I spend most of my days laughing, trying to pull whatever bit of amusement or happiness out of it I can, and it seems to work because it keeps me occupied for the time I'm there, but once I'm on my own, I can't escape the feeling in the back of my mind that whatever I do, I'll never be happy. That if I take one path in life, I'll long for the other thing that I didn't choose, that if I settled down with a family and had kids, I'd want to go travelling round the world as some sort of vagrant that only had a guitar, camera and a few possessions to my name. I can't decide what I'll want in my future and I probably won't know until I get there.

I'm worried about preserving parts of my past as memories in case I forget them, I'm scared of losing myself in something that I can't control, that's why I like pictures, I like having physical evidence of memories I love because I worry that one day I won't remember them. I like to write because it leaves behind etchings that maybe I can read in the future and think 'What the hell was I going on about?' and laugh at my past self, seeing how idiotic I was being.

I desperately want to be someone, to do something that matters, and every day I wake up and realise that I thought I'd be doing that a couple of years ago and that I'm still not doing it, and it depresses me. All I pursue in life is to be happy, surely that's the meaning of it all, to wake up in the morning with a smile on your face and to lay down at night knowing your day today was great, and tomorrow will more than likely be the same?