Spills

Further and further away I feel myself getting from the life and mind I felt I knew. The constant need for something new being chased is almost exhausting and I often ask myself what I'm doing it for, I'm not sure I know the answer any more.

I feel like I know myself but I'm not sure anyone else does, I think I have a tendency to get lost in unrealistic ideas and talk about how I perceive life and what it means, I also offer advice far too much for someone who doesn't know how to lead themself on the worse days, but I feel strong, awake, clearer than ever in ways I never considered viable before, every realisation is a doorway to a knew breed of thought, every experience I have now could positively affect another in the future.

In the process of shedding my old skin of shyness to talk or draw attention to myself in larger social situations when there's not a guitar strapped to me, I pushed a bit too hard and that leaves me talking at times when it's not necessary. We're all constantly in a self improvement loop which can occasionally roll backward as well as forward, submitting to the wills of our personal nostalgia; perhaps your old haircut did shape your forehead better, maybe those glasses your friends said made you look like a Annie Potts from Ghostbusters actually fit well, and the classic "'I can bring the totally mustache back! They're not just for 1980's pedophiles!" These moments are often mistakes, but we all have them and my continuing journey of finding who I want to be in life has been through constant trial and error, pushing everything I possibly can as far as it can go just to see where it ends, I won't get anywhere or do anything at all unless I'm outside my comfort zone and the most serendipitous part of that is I'm aiming that gun of goals straight at falling back into that place once I can secure a life I love.

Right now I have my friends, I have my guitar and I have my freedom, these are the things that matter most. I want a motorbike to give me the freedom of movement, I want a business to be proud of, to be in control of my own life and I want more memories, experiences and moments than I could ever forget over a thousand lifetimes. Every risk is a necessity.

Letter

It's time to stop being so idealistic, it just goes to show when you feel like you have control of things, you're actually looking at it the way you want it to be and hoping the inevitable won't happen.
Realising this situation is out of my hands has hit me pretty hard and more than anything it's shown how good things are for me right now when they aren't so much for others. I wish I could do something, I really do and it's going to be in the back of my head for a long, long time, it's the reason I'm awake at almost three on a slow Thursday morning.

The only thing I care about is having fun, smiling, laughing, having the best memories possible while constantly making better ones. This isn't one of those times, but it puts a point in the future to refer to, an unsure one right now but it's there, something to aim for, to build towards so on that day I can do my best to make up the time where we all lost something and eventually got it back.

Hopefully time actually has some wings to fly with.