The Great Wall of Vanity.

I admire adaptability, the actors of the world who can change what they let people see about them, fooling others into believing a truth that doesn't exist in any way at all. I enjoy being versatile but on no level close to the best, before it sounds like I'm trying to stand on a podium with these masters of their art. Some of the performances I've put on may actually be award worthy thinking back on it.

I'm growing more tired of life, the prospects of the future, the paths I can pick out compared to a life I'd actually want to have. Most days I find myself overcome with feelings of disdain for every minor infraction or occurrence around me, I feel like I want an escape and the old methods don't work any more and I'm running out of ideas. I want to live a life filled with meaning and do something that matters, impact the world positively, the more I read into the past the more I find out how recently this world has been for the lack of a better word, ugly. Despite how long we've existed we truly are still infants in the grand scheme of things and with that brings ignorance and intolerance on a scale that depresses me, violence and experimentation that disgusts me beyond words and a system the world runs off that's well and truly broken. We're not the good guys and we never were, that isn't new to me at all but delve into that, use this grand worldwide search engine and look at things, we, as people have got away with in the last hundred years alone. Atrocities, pure evil, and for what? Power, appeasement, and vanity.

I'm supposed to go about daily life, working five days a week and struggling every fucking minute of the day because what I do doesn't matter, even if I change that I'm terrified because I know whatever I do will never be enough for me. Just give me a good thing to die for, one thing, make my life worth something on the way out, I don't care about praise or legacy and I don't need to be remembered at all, it would be better than wasting away miserably in a shadow of something greater.

It's tricky thing, to evaluate yourself and what you're becoming. You live with your regrets, failures and worst moments across your shoulders, but letting those things become more than they are by dictating a path with less adventure or fulfillment is the greatest loss to learning about yourself. Embracing the mistakes and taking something from it is always what you're told to do, and for good reason.

Today

I made a personal breakthrough, one of those movie-moment epiphanies where something suddenly makes sense after years of not even realising it was an issue at all. My biggest flaw, at least to me has always been thinking I'm smarter than I actually am, most days I wake up and already have myself convinced that I can either outsmart or twist my way around people in such a fashion that I could do almost anything I wanted at any given time. Now obviously that isn't true and if that was the 'epiphany' moment I'd be realising I was much less intelligent than I'd ever believed in the first place, I have my days of self doubt just like anyone else and believe it's healthy, necessary even to stay grounded so my giant head fits through doorways. The thing I finally realised is: just because you aren't chasing after the girl doesn't mean you're over her, and just because you don't think about her all the time or love her any more doesn't mean there's not a subconscious remnant thinking maybe something could happen again one day.

Plenty of relationships between then and now, other girls who I sincerely fell in love with and been invested in fully that I put effort into, but this idiotic subconscious thought hanging by a thread was always there. I spent so long convincing myself that I never wanted it to happen again that I believed myself and made it worse, flipping a want to be with someone into a legitimate effort not to be which was equally damaging. I've gone so long without realising I was believing a lie I told myself to make things easier a long time ago, it's an odd feeling of closure and freedom to have worked that out, to get past it when I never really knew it was holding me down in that way.

All this because of silence, I wish I could say thank you.