Today

I made a personal breakthrough, one of those movie-moment epiphanies where something suddenly makes sense after years of not even realising it was an issue at all. My biggest flaw, at least to me has always been thinking I'm smarter than I actually am, most days I wake up and already have myself convinced that I can either outsmart or twist my way around people in such a fashion that I could do almost anything I wanted at any given time. Now obviously that isn't true and if that was the 'epiphany' moment I'd be realising I was much less intelligent than I'd ever believed in the first place, I have my days of self doubt just like anyone else and believe it's healthy, necessary even to stay grounded so my giant head fits through doorways. The thing I finally realised is: just because you aren't chasing after the girl doesn't mean you're over her, and just because you don't think about her all the time or love her any more doesn't mean there's not a subconscious remnant thinking maybe something could happen again one day.

Plenty of relationships between then and now, other girls who I sincerely fell in love with and been invested in fully that I put effort into, but this idiotic subconscious thought hanging by a thread was always there. I spent so long convincing myself that I never wanted it to happen again that I believed myself and made it worse, flipping a want to be with someone into a legitimate effort not to be which was equally damaging. I've gone so long without realising I was believing a lie I told myself to make things easier a long time ago, it's an odd feeling of closure and freedom to have worked that out, to get past it when I never really knew it was holding me down in that way.

All this because of silence, I wish I could say thank you.