Cogs

I try to think ahead of myself, probably a bit less than I should, obsessing about past mistakes and discrepancies which waste so much time that I could put towards something positive and life affirming? Yes, I'm sure that's exactly what I'd use the extra time for... Alas, letting my mind wonder seems to be something that brings equal amounts of pain and understanding to multiple aspects of my life, which mostly seems like I don't have a grasp with what I'm doing, and currently and quite honestly I look forward and see such uncertainty and change that I can't organise any effort to combat it.

Looking at other people's life, their plans and aspirations, they seem so simple, or at the very least they have an understanding of themselves, I long for that. I feel lost, I feel like I spend my time thinking and focusing on things that everyone else can ignore, or just don't find any interest for. I'm not talking about the 'Meaning of Life' or anything pseudo-meaningful like that, the meaning of my life is to be happy, the meaning of all life is personal to each and every one of us, so there's no need to sit around playing with it. The things that I seem to fixate on now are people's behaviour, and the things that cause certain actions, how I'm supposed to make a life that I'm happy with, and generally how unfathomably huge, stupid complex and fascinating space is. These are just some of the things that circle around in my head that I've pulled down for examples, every single day there's something new to focus on.

I'm guessing the point of the last two paragraphs filled with poorly worded ramblings, is that I'm not struggling to function in some 'Cry for help' fashion, but in some way I'm finding it difficult to live my life day to day and not question simple aspects of living that everyone else seems happy with. I'm sure it all bases itself in a fear that once I finally have something I've been wanting, I'll move on to the next thing and never be completely happy with what I've got.